Hop off the Hamster Wheel

Stop this Hamster Wheel

Borrowed from John Mayer Stop This Train Lyrics

No, I'm not colorblind
I know the front page is gray and white
I try to keep an open mind
but just can't renew tonight

Stop this wheel
I want to get off
And create again
I don't care for the clique that's moving in
I know I can
But honestly, won't someone stop this wheel?

Don't know how else to say it
Don't want to see my money go
Twenty cents at a time
From my bank account so forlorn

Stop this wheel
I want to get off
And create again
I don't care for the clique that's moving in
No way no way man
But honestly, won't someone stop this wheel?

So scared of getting buried
I only want to be on page one
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to get on front page number one

Had a talk with Etsy admins
Said "help me understand"
They said "all ya gotta do is buy into the Etsy brand.
We won't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you sell
Don't stop renewing, don't try to understand
We have the issue well in hand
Honestly, we'll never stop this train."

Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
Make you feel safe and sound
And you won't know a thing
Til you cry when see your Etsy bill.

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Promotionalicious Goodness!!!!

The Forque
If you see it here, you know it's forqued!
Vol. 2



With the handmade market blooming like ragweed in the springtime, we here at ETC understand how hard it is to be seen. Each seller is really just one tiny drop in an ocean of shops. That's why we are uber pleased to announce the our new promotional program! Now everyone can find a spot in those coveted gift guides or become a featured seller in The Forque, not just my besties and fave sellers! Our favorite admin, DanielleX-hungryhungryhip-O, came up with a brilliant promotional opportunity we like to call "Pay to Play"!

It's really quite simple. You send us gifts and we make sure you get free advertising from ETC! Here are the gift giving monetary standards:

• $10 and under: A mention of your shop in Twitter.
• $15: Your item in a Treasury.
• $20: An enthusiastic mention in Twitter, using excited adjectives like "super-cute", "XXX goodness", "awesomeness", and "totally loving" plus an actual link to your item AND one of your items in a Treasury.
• $21-$30: All of the above plus an item from your shop in the "related items" part of a Forque article.
• $31-$49: All of the above plus a spot in the coveted gift guides.
• $50-$65: All of the above plus a spot in our spammy email, ETC Finds
• $66-$100: All of the above AND The Forque Featured Seller Spotlight.
• $101 and up: All of the above and... (drum roll please) we'll send you a DVD of some White Supremacist inmates forcing a sobbing and drooling Rob White to toss their salad. Now doesn't THAT sound fun?

We here at ETC are pleased to be able to offer this great opportunity to you sellers and hope that you'll be showing us the appropriate gratitude for making it available to you. We don't want to hear any more pissing and moaning about favoritism anymore (cough cough! Etsybitches). Now it's all fair and even and anyone can be an ETC fave. If you don't have the money to cough up for the Pay to Play gifting program, then that's your fault for being such a broke dick.

Ho ho ho! Happy Holidays! and Happy Hannukah! (see how multicultural we are?)

Your good friends at ETC.

Complete Guide to Business Ethics

On a more serious note: Venting is all very well and fine, but if you have a genuine complaint please report it to the Better Business Bureau. I am here only to have a little fun and provide an outlet for my frustrations over the frequent BS I see, but the only way for real issues to be taken seriously is to report them to the correct agency. Please don't rely on this blog, Etsybitch, Regretsy or any of the other bloggers to "get the message through to Etsy. Maria, Rob, DanielleXO and all the rest don't take any of this seriously. They WILL, however, take reports to the BBB seriously and if they don't, their apathy will be there for all the world to see.

REPORT YOUR ISSUES HERE

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Saturday is the perfect day for a yard sale!!!

Especially when you know you won't get caught because the admins don't police the site on Saturdays! Thank you to the kind anonymous soul who contributed this gem!

Thank you Etsy Callout for providing links to other great yard sales! We just love yard sales! Wheeeeee!

I guess now that the Mary Kay lady has stopped selling makeup, someone had to take her place.

Wow! A genuine 1994 vintage Disney trading card! Super Duper!!!

Oooo! Just for some extra fun, I HAD to post this eco-friendly, repurposed Michael Jackson melted record bowl! I just can't get enough of those! I'm hoping to get enough to complete a ten place serving! Speaking of Environmental issues, please read this article about how "green" Rob Kalin is and help me figure out in what universe is this man "green." Clearly he and his staff of mindless flunkies have NO idea what is and isn't eco friendly. They ovbviously see "eco friendly" as just another catch-phrase for selling things.


I just love Peruvian imports!!!

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It's the most wonderful time of the year!!!!

Well boys and girls! Christmas is right around the corner and you know what that means? Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and all kinds of fun new bells and whistles here at Etc!

Our first new feature is a gift guide button that will take sellers out of your shop and straight to our super fabulous gift guides that are packed with lots of Etc Fave Wonderfulness! Not to worry...it's just a small, unobtrusive button. Yes, it might entice some people to leave your shop and buy elsewhere, but really, those customers should have been shopping at our favorite seller's shops anyway...not yours.

We understand that some people may have a problem with this issue, but really it's just the same ten sellers who complain anyway, right? And you love Etc and want us to do well because when Etc does well, we ALL do well, right? And you love those favorite sellers in the gift guides just as much as we do, don't you? After all, you are the ones who put them in your treasuries time after time.

They deserve the sales more than you do because it takes real talent to glue rhinestones to a piece of felt, knit giant ugly cowls, and dump some rocks and moss into a jar and call it a terrarium. You're just a hack anyway and they are REAL artists. So in the spirit of giving, this Christmas season, stop being selfish and appreciate the opportunities that Etc has given you and let us decide who should and shouldn't be getting the sales this holiday season. Mmmkay?

Oh PS: There's also a wacky new feature that will take your buyers to a better place when they click the "buy" button! It's just a little bit of whimsical, wacky Etc fun, we know you'll think it's super duper too! Feel free to click on the interactive links on our samples below!!!

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Upcycled doesn't have to be ugly!

As has been proven here, upcycled and recycled materials need not be ugly. Gone are the days of toilet paper tube cosmetic nooks, dishwashing liquid bottle dollies with lightbulb heads, and plastic two-litre bottle wind spinners! Say hello the new age of attractive upcycling! I can't think of a single living room or foyer that wouldn't look better with this classy, hanging lamp, made from plastic inkjet cartridges! And think of how excited someone will be when they tear off the gift wrap and see this fun item at the bottom of the box! What a fun housewarming gift for some lucky mobile home owner! Add a red velvet sofa and some strategically placed moss gardens, and you have room decor fit for a king!

Speaking of sofas...do I spy Martha Stewart sitting on the sofa in the background of this photo?

This gem was submitted by Sandra.

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Does your blood run pink?

I am SO so excited! I just learned that I can now get my favorite costmetics at my favorite place to shop! I can't believe they have been around since March 2009 and I missed them, but now that I know they are there, I feel I must share the joyful news with you all! Ladies, please take a moment to do something nice for yourself. Help Kristi Linebarger get that pink Cadillac she so richly deserves! Buy something sweet and lovely from this wonderful seller and have a very pink Labour Day!

The Mary Kay products have been removed.
updated 9/11/09

The "Props 2 ya!" page has been amended.

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Priceless Wedding

• Wooden Doll Blanks - $8.95 per pack of 50
• Acrylic paint pens - $12
• Finding a wedding-frenzied bridzilla willing to pay $85 for two little doll cake toppers that even a fifth grader could make - PRICELESS

Vendolius caveo

Oh my goodness! Sometimes I see things that just bring out the Miss Manners in me and today, I saw the most shameful item at Miss Kitty's blog! I learned of a buyer who chastised a seller for not including a free gift!

I love this little book,thank you for selling it to me! You know most Etsy sellers at least put in a little thankyou note, most put in thank you gifts, you had nothing...it felt strange and cold...just a suggestion to at least say thank you to the person buying from you, and you do want return business don't you?

Yes indeed, a polite "thank you" note is a nice thing to slip into your customer's packaging, but really...there is no etiquette rule that states a seller must give you a free gift in addition to your purchase! Chastising in public like that, especially for such a minor issue, is a Miss Manners no-no, Darlene! Publicly telling a seller that you won't shop with them because they did not include a free gift reveals your greed as much as the alleged transgression you had hoped to reveal. Small home businesses are having a hard enough time today, without greedy, people trying to squeeze extra freebies out of them. For shame!!!

The diplomatic and tactful way to handle that issue, if you simply had to say something, would have been to write a polite private note, not to create an embarrassing and uncomfortable public scene.

thanks for selling the calendar to me, you were smart to get in on a sale at Staples and triple your money! I will also do that by now framing the photos for resale! :)

Darlene, Darlene, Darlene! Did your mother not ever tell you that public discussions about another person's finances were quite inappropriate? Of course your kind shopkeeper made a profit on her merchandise! That is what business is all about! But to announce her mark-up to all and sundry was a tactless breech of business etiquette! How would you like it if someone posted YOUR Etsy shop's markup?

As a final note, after perusing your other feedback, it does appear as if you are extra sweet...almost flirtatious...with the sellers who send you extra treats and goodies. There is a not-so-nice name for ladies whose affections can be courted by the promise of gifts. I know we need not go there, do we? Worse yet, implying to others with that very public message, that they too could suffer the same fate and have their feedback sullied, if they don't give you free goodies, in addition to the item that you ordered, not only borders on blackmail, but lets the world see that you can be bought for the price of a two-bit brass angel charm.

Now really...you don't want that, do you?

Tsk tsk.

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Props 2 ya!

It has been brought to my attention that some of the bloggers featured on my props page have received death threats. No, that was not a typo. Death threats. Because of that, I've removed my "Props" list.

To the mentally unstable people out there who have lost touch with rational thought to the point of threatening people's lives because they don't like what they have to say, I strongly recommend getting psychological counselling immediately, before you really hurt yourself or someone else. I pity your families and pray you don't have children.

Gift Guide Product Inspirations!

Art is not created in a vacuum. Behind every artist and entrepreneur lies a world of inspiration. Have you ever wondered where our favorite Gift Guide artists get their inspiration? Well I, Betsy Etc, have discovered the inspiration behind their art. Watch and learn this valuable slideshow so that you too can be inspired!

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Office Supplies Treasury!!!

What better way to let someone know how highly you regard them than to give them the wonderful gift of office supplies?

Show a coworker you care, with a fused plastic bag pouch, adorable tape measure brooch, or plastic beer mug key chain. Tell your favorite college intern "You're the best!" with decorative clothes pins, clip board, and bull dog clips! And spoil that indispensable secretary in your office with an attractive rolodex, gray swingline stapler, and postit note clip.

If later, your coffee suddenly develops a "special" taste, you can rest assured that your thoughtful gifts have inspired someone to make your morning cuppa Joe with a dash of appreciation in it!

Harmony in the workplace. It's a beautiful thing and it was all brought to you from the gift guides.



Thank you Sandra for your awesome suggestions!

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It's a nice day for a fake pregnancy

Vera Wang, MOVE OVER!!! This faux maternity wedding dress is for the couple who can't manage to prove their fertility BEFORE the big day! We know how hip and cool it is to get a bun in the oven before you trip down the aisle to connubial bliss and this dress will help you keep your guilty secret. Your friends will never know that you're sterile as a cotton ball and that your dashing groom is shooting blanks.

As an added feature, this dress comes festooned with kleenex tufts, attached to the shoulders. If you burst into tears at some inopportune moment, you can dab them and blow your nose with just a shrug of your shoulder! You won't even have to put down your bouquet! People will just think your hormones are acting up.

[dress comes with a free plastic flower bouquet and the phone number of a black market baby broker hidden inside. Don't worry...your secret is safe with us!]


Many thanks to Sandra for submitting this festive frock from the Wedding Gift Guide!

If you just can't get enough of the tackiness, be sure to scoot on over to "EtsyWTF" to check out her hideous items du jour!

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Aw! You shouldn't have!!!

The Forque
If you see it here, you know it's Forqued.
Vol. 1

Imagine the look of surprise and amazement on the faces of the lucky folks who get these delightful gifts from the gift guides!

Nothing says "I'll love you forever" like wedding bands with plastic, recycled parts! These classic beauties can be yours for a mere $340!!! (Many thanks to Marni for bringing this to my attention!)


Well now, I can tell you that if I were a pre-teen boy, I would definitely want one of these! I bet there's some special lad in your life, with a birthday coming up, who would adore this tee shirt too! Trust me, he'll be the envy of all his buddies and he'll have you to thank for it!
I can't tell you how many times I've walked into someone's home and thought to myself, "What this place needs is a coat rack made out of baby doll arms!!!" And voila!!! Here one is in the gift guides! Believe you me, I will be hearting this classic piece, to buy for my next housewarming party!
For the fashionable gal who wants to sop up her sweat like a lady, there's always the Eartha Kit demi turban. It also had the added benefit of pulling your skin back so tight that all your wrinkles will disappear (just look at Eartha Kit, who actually was wrinkled like a Sharpei, but cleverly hid the mountainous folds of flesh behind her turbans). I think any grandma or wrinkled sweaty person would completely appreciate the thought behind this tres chic item! Even the model is excited to be wearing it!

Guys LOVE rainbows!!! Throw in some pink and a big ol' floppy hood and you have a sure fire winner. This amazing hoodie is from a perennial favorite, Rufeoheartslilsnoty. We just can't get enough of his attractive, well-made clothing, and neither can the gift guides! Just be sure to warn the fellow you are purchasing it for, not to stretch it or he'll snap the seam-stitching.

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Unfortunate photos from the gift guides

Oh my! Is it just me, or does this photo look like a goose backed up to someone's best bone china and dropped a little surprise? First rule of food photography...you want to get a photo of it BEFORE it passes through the digestive tract.


The Miss Congeniality winner, in the Miss Drag USA competition did not mean it when she said "I was just happy to be able to compete." Eventually her bad attitude did her in and she was forced to turn in her tiara. Miss Cattiest Bitch took over her duties and allegedly told reporters "I knew she wouldn't be able to cut the mustard."


If you can't get fat enough to grow your own cankles, never fear! Cankle spats are here!


One can NEVER have enough rhinestones. By the way, the eighties called, they want their lipstick back.

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Taking suggestions

I'm now taking suggestions for ETC. See something gross in a gift guide? Find some offal in the editor's picks? Or maybe you just can't believe the appalling shop that was highlighted in a Storque article. Send your ideas to me! Suggest a treasury! Shine the spotlight on a dark and stinky corner that Etsy was hoping nobody would notice. If I can make it funny, I will post about it.

In the meantime, enjoy this funh find from the gift guides! This darling toy is a rocking horse...er....doggie and it's made from a repurposed rocking chair. How fun! Oh, but the kids can't ride on it, so I guess it isn't really a toy, that's a shame, but they say it's perfect for a plant stand. Now that's an original idea, putting a plant on an unstable surface for those wild xtreme house plant owners who love to live risky and on the edge.

Best of all, it can be yours for a trifling $240 plus $40 shipping!!!!!

Send your suggestions to EtsyWTF@gmail.com

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The Hot New Trend!!!

I've finally blazed into trendy hipsterness with the next hot craze at Etc! Since Etcians are so very, very fond of fake body hair, I'd like introduce my new line of fake body hair too!

I present to you FUBIC HAIR!!!

Yes, now you too can live out all your hirsute fantasies and have fun, technicolor body hair without the hassle of growing and dying it yourself! Jazz up a boring bikini line! Or spice up a tepid tubetop! And do it with FLAIR!!!

Comes in two styles, the Madonna (armpit hair) or the Pamela Anderson (bikini line pubic hair) and five sparkly colors:

• What's Eating Gilbert Grape Purple (pictured)
  
• Raspberry Beret Fuschia
  
• Cyber Porn Electric Blue
  
• Tree Hugger Bright Green
  
• Oh My Goth Glittery Black
  

Kit includes all natural and eco-friendly materials:

• fake hemp hair accented with recycled silver lame' threads, from genuine vintage disco clothes
  
• reusable skin adhesive, made from 100% all natural bee's wax
• an attractive, upcycled, fabric drawstring bag for your product, to keep in your purse for those unexpected, emergency Fubic hair situations
• instructions for application, removal, and cleaning care (written on 100% recycled toilet paper)

Hurry! Bikini season is right around the corner! Get them while they're hot! First 50 orders will receive a FREE eco-friendly melted record bowl and a Summer cowl!

$48.95 + $15 shipping and handling

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I heard it from a little birdie

I heard that Rob White is having a birthday! So I made this lovely treasury just for him!

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HAPPY ETC DAY!!!!!

HAPPY ETC DAY!!!!!

I just wanted to thank all of you who participated in this very, VERY special day! Soon I am sure that the WHOLE WORLD will know about Etc and the magic of handmade!!!

Special thanks to C over at Ugly Things for Sale and Pussdaddy for their very kind well wishes for Etc's special day!

Kudos also to EtsyBitches for allowing me to read and post on their blog; it has truly been a pleasure and inspiration!

And finally, my sincerest thanks to all the lovely twitterzens who retweeted my Etc Day tweets and helped to spread the word about this momentous day!!!

As my extra special reward to you, I offer up this peachy treasury (sorry, no cash rewards or discounts)! I know the prices are a bit steep, but really, that's the price one pays for the magic of handmade.

• Old brown and blue sweatshirts from your brother's laundry pile that you wove into wearable "art" $80
• Pair of old Sally Jesse plastic framed glasses that you dug out of your mom's makeup drawer $18
• White crochet headband that you made for your textiles badge in Girl Scouts when you were in 4th grade $40
• Finding people to advertise your site for free PRICELESS

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Let's all celebrate ETC DAY this Friday!!!

I just had the most delightalicious idea! Let's designate Friday, May 1, 2009 as the first annual ETC DAY! I do hate to spend money on promoting and advertising, so I thought it would be fun to launch a mass campaign of grass-roots guerrilla promoting to get the word out about my tres FABOO blog!!!! And best of all, I would hardly have to do a thing! I know all my loyal fans would love to help me and it's so easy, here are some ideas for what you can do to spread the word about Etc:

1. Make everyone in your family wear a fake mustache all week long with signs around their necks that say "Mass consumer and proud of it!" Then when people ask them about it, they can say they do ALL their shopping at Etc!!!
2. Spray paint "ETC RULZ", in big orange letters, on your garage door!
3. Spam the internet like it's 1999! I'll help you by providing a three-tiered outline for getting the word out: Social Networking - Twitter, facebook, myspace, chat rooms, stumbleupon, craigslist, and forums are good places to start spreading the word. Email - Send a announcements to every single person on the contacts list for your email account. Advertising - Put your money where your mouth is and dig deep. Pay to do some prime time advertising for Etc on Tim Adams Designs, Craftcult, Etsybitches, and adwords!
4. Stand outside of Costco and Sam's Wholesale and stop customers and tell them how much better Etc is than any big box store.
5. Ladies, your cleavage is prime advertising real estate, use it to advertise more than just your sex appeal! Get "Shop Etc" tattooed on each bazoom!
6. Expectant mommies, name your babies Betsy Etc!
   
7. Go to the airport and love bomb people. Hand out orange paper flowers (available here, at Oriental Trading Company for a special Etc Day price), hug people, and try to assimilate them into the Etc collective. But that is a bit cultish, would a legitimate art venue do that? Oh well, let's just do it and worry about that silly little detail later.
   

Get the Etc name out there in the loudest, most obnoxious, spammiest way you can think of!!!! Make sure to record your efforts with video or photos (if you upload photos to Flickr, make sure to tag them "Etc Day 2009" because I'll DEFINITELY be doing this next year and for years to come).

I'll be highlighting the funniest, weirdest, spammiest, most personally degrading efforts on my Blog and on my social networks, and I'll make sure to link back to you. For those of you who are not my favorite sellers or BFFs, here is a great opportunity to work your little patooty off and finally get my attention and receive the shop promotions I know I should have been sending your way all along.

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